luminous send-ups to the key of luciano

More songwriting anyone? But, this time, to the key of... humor?
I may answer you right here and now, and confirm to you all that my cousin, the songstress São, will NEVER sing these! More questions loom though, such as... Is MAD MAGAZINE still hiring? Does CRACKED magazine still exist? (Cause - you better forget about their "French" equivalents - CROC, SAFARIR and the like... I'd have better luck getting hired as a satirical columnist for LE CANARD ENCHAINÉ! But that is une autre histoire...!)
Anyway - my point is, AND I sure as hell will exist in a Lake of the Pit full of Fire and Brimstone DO HAVE ONE, and it is this: I am open, apt, ready and able to spoof any song - at all times virtually!
The evidence follows...


Boston fan speaking a mantra (to the team of your choice - Red Sox, Bruins, Celtics or... Boston Pops?!?) to the tune of a Blue Oyster Cult classic song...

Boston will win
again and again
And if they don't win
I'll bring in my friend...
Gojira!

Another classic - The Doors' "Gloria" - goes right out the door and undergoes a transformation, becoming... "Phobia"!

I am afraid of heights
of dark closets too
Can't stand the look of a spider baby!
Or large crowds like this...
I cannot concentrate
Goddammit - I'm afraid!
I think they call that a
PHO-BI-A
PHO-OH-BI-A!
PHO-BI-A
PHO-OH-BI-A!

Anybody out there still remembers SCTV? SCTV's Dave Thomas? Dave Thomas' singing brother, Ian Thomas? Ian's career went the way the singing careers of Paul Janz, Alannah Myles, Sass Jordan and... *gulp* São's went! :(
All packed with talent but with no luck at all!
Ian had ONE huge hit - "Harmony".
My send-up of that is... "Blasphemy"!

Blasphemy! Get away from me!
Blasphemy! Get the hell away from me!
Cursing - lying - all that prying - into matters that don't matterrrr!

Hmmmm-arrrggg! Don't like that Satan! He's disgusting!
I just renounced him - he comes again!
Charging with problems - he puts the blame
On the Almighty One - No way, Eugene! (Cause that's)

Blasphemy! Get away from me!
Blasphemy! Get the hell away from me!
Doubting ~ Blaming ~ Question-ing-ing ~ name-calling ~ decon-s-craaaaating!

One of the smash hits that got on many nerves in record-breaking time and fashion too was Lonestar's lone hit (!) from the appropriately-named "Lonely Grill" CD - "Amazed". My send-up is... "Disillusioned"!

Wanna see my brains on the floor?
Right by the door - you took to leave meeeeeeee-eeeee-eee?
Wanna spend the rest of your day
finding new ways to irk me to death - or just ignore meeeee?
Just about anything that you do - baby, it's killing me!
Just about every single word that you say
sheesh - I'm disillusioned with you

Even more annoying than that one, was one-hit wonder Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy"... This one, of course, can be spoofed in a myriad of ways... from the stuntman looking for excuses not to jump...

I'm too dizzy for my stunt... too dizzy for my stunt... too dizzy to... punt?

to the false bravado of a Fruit Of The Looms model...

I'm too cocky for my briefs... too cocky for my briefs... too cocky... in brief?

to a puny and punny worthless employee...

I'm too lazy for this job... too lazy for any odd-job... let me go join the... mob!

Well, time to take a stand now and avoid the "easy route"... As a Christian, I believe that homosexuality is an abomination. Sodomy, to be specific. No homosexual editor or publisher will want to work with me once he sees my spoof of the time-honored hit "Another One Bites The Dust" - by the very queer Queen - titled "The Fags Are Back In Town"
(I assure you this is not to be sung to the tune of "The Boys Are Back In Town" - whoever sang that one - at all)
Note though that I have nothing but understanding for the lesbian's choices and taste(s).

The Fags are back in town (bis) (bis = twice)
There's another queer now
and another fag now
The fags are back in town! Ohh... see?
I told ya they'd come back!
The fags are back in town - oh noooooo!

Gay Pride parades and festivals
it's all on TV!
Stonewall bull / fake martyrdom
for all of us to see!
Can't believe that it has gotten to this
since 1969
AIDS is not killing them
instead, they multiply!
OH - NOOOOO!

(Ok - plenty of heteros have AIDS too. But it's too much information in the context of the send-up of a song...! Where's your humor, folks?!? Find it - ASAP!)

Onwards now...!
Classic tunes that anyone can spontaneously sing include the ever-popular summertime tune "Row The Boat". A send-up of it can easily turn particularly ghastly...

Sow, sow, sow the wound
sow it tight and clean!
Deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper
til you hear a scream!

Always loved Tom Petty's song "A Face In The Crowd" - so much that I had to send it up as "Burp In The Crowd" (take heart, it could have been worse... Worse in the order of... flatulences? *lol*)

In on the joke
Into the night
At the Grand Hall
All through the Ball
They heard you
burp in the crowd
They heard you
burp as a dowd
totally out of it
bumping into things
belching some more...!

(What a disgrace...!)

Well, I'm a fan of Robert Tepper's only big hit, "No Easy Way Out" - thus, surely, I am allowed to pay homage to it by having a little fun while turning it into "So Full Of Doubt"!
Hey - imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!

You are not a gourmet cook - let's establish that right now
You can't do things by the book - and I feel like eating Dog Chow!
Some days are not as bad as others - but that's only because it's take-out
Understand me, I don't want no seconds - I'm just so full of doubt...
Who said that you could cook? Where is that old coot now?
Who said that you could cook? You have zero clue how...! Owwwww...

The Raconteurs' big hit "Steady As She Goes" gets amalgamated with the classic "There She Goes" somewhat (but sing my send-up still to the tune of the former) - as I rechristen it "Stupid - There She Goes (Again)"

She has not a clue - how to start making sense
She wants to be happy-go-lucky... yet she makes me tense!
Aww - stupid - there she goes!
There she goes again!
Not understanding
Not being a friend!
Stupid - there she goes!
There she goes again!
Not making any sense
Not making amends
Stupid - there she goes!!!

And finally, a fond look back at the eerie Eighties with the Thompson Twins' hit "Lay Your Hands On Me" becoming... quite simply...
"Customer Service"!

You may need further assistance
And you don't quite dare require it right now
Remember that they have untold patience
That alone should make you go "oh wow"
You may be feeling tired already
All will be made to your liking soon
No it won't cost you much
It's all covered in our price already!

Olé - Olé - Customer Service! - Olé - Olé
Ooooooo-oooooo
Olé - Olé - Oh, oh - Customer Service!

Things don't have to cost an arm and a leg
A smile and a question will do well here
We will answer as sharply as we can
In our business, customers are always right
They are the kings - such is our plight
But let's not entirely forget something now
There was a little something called
The bloody French Révolution! So - do not push it now!

Olé - Olé - Customer Service! - Olé - Olé
Ooooooo-oooooo
Olé - Olé - Oh, oh - Customer Service! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Now you are feeling oh-so good
You had everything made up to your satisfaction - eh
It wasn't all that long, now was it?
Still, you mumbled all the while you waited...
What you may have said doesn't matter
Not one smile - nothing but hypocrisy and wile!
But that is all fair and fine
Because all of that's in our arsenal too - it's our preferred m.o.!

Olé - Olé - Customer Service! - Olé - Olé
Ooooooo-oooooo
Olé - Olé - Oh, oh - Customer Service! - Olé - Olé
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Olé
Olé - Olé - Customer Service! - Olé - Olé
Ooooooooooooooo-Ooooooooooooooooooo - Olé - Olé
ohhhhhhhhhhh - olé!
Customer Service! Olé - Olé!
Customer Service! Olé - Olé! (ad infinitum)

Now, TEST these last lyrics on the ORIGINAL SONG!
Works great, you'll see!