THE LUMINOUS ADVENTURES OF LUMINOUS MAN, VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN... AND VOLUMINOUS LAD!
Serialized fiction for your reading pleasure, L.O.V.s! And at no extra cost to a single one of you! I.S.P.s (Internet Service Providers - but you knew that!) are hurting the L.O.V.s (Luminous Online Visitors - but you also knew that already - right?) enough as it is without me, thy luminous acerbic scribe, master of sarcastic witticisms and sardonic repartee (but the latter is reserved strictly for message boards... Boars? Bores!) and so-very kind humanist overall, adding to your strife and internet surfing costs!No way! I am kind! I care! I do! I really do!
Okay, enough already of this luminous propaganda - let's save the sappy stuff for the actual piece of fiction here! Chapter one of an uncanny and mesmerizing saga, one that comes to you straight out of nowhere too (the idea for it came when I was bored out of my wits - isn't that promising and exciting, folks, eh?)
It is, evidently, all for laughs that I penned this and the entire saga can thus be found here - in the luminous comments section! ;)
Enjoy!
Labels: Author Author, comedy writing, LitMatch, Luminous Disclaimer, short story writing
posted by Luminous (\ô/) Luciano™ at 4:05 AM
3 Comments:
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So here we go with PART ONE: "There's nothing to it!"
It was another sunny morning, just like the ones they have when London is caught in the thickest fog since Jack was in town...
It was, hence, the perfect time for Luminous Man to don his luminous suit and go out to fight injustice... By doing the groceries first thing in the morning!
Sparing the cashier girl one extra rush hour customer would do wonders for everyone's stress - including his own. Luminous Man loathed wasting his luminous time on a not-so-luminous line at the check-out counter of his decidedly NOT luminous grocer! It had happened repeatedly over the years and the conversations struck up then, with the other ones waiting in line with his luminous person, had not thrilled Luminous Man one tiny luminous bit at all!
All of that is another story though - better saved for part ninety-one... If there is one!
Before heading out though, luminous grooming was required. For, ever since Bill Maher exposed the middle-class and what they wear to go to the supermarket, Luminous Man took it upon his luminous self to set the example by treating a "running errands outing" as if it were a night out at the Apollo - no less! Only the best dressed shall buy groceries - a new commandment right there! Thanks a million, Mr. Maher, for the inspiration...
After the painful process of putting on the luminous spandex suit - the one that magnified the luminous pecs and biceps, ten-fold - Luminous Man was ready for the most difficult task yet, so far, on this ominous -not luminous- morning like no other mornings at all, save 365 other ones each year... He was ready to ask Voluptuous Woman if she wanted anything!
Voluptuous Woman, mind you, was still occupying the bathroom - since around 5AM, roughly speaking - and was far from done yet... It appeared that, as with any other independent, self-reliant, feisty-tempered, autonomous but not autophagous too much, debonair, reliable, competent and in-style modern woman of the new millennium, Voluptuous Woman would get anything she might want HERSELF!
That was a relief, of course, for Luminous Man had no interest in scavenging the women's hygiene products aisle... Or any other aisle that was of interest to women, their pets, their hygiene and any combination or derivative of the three!
Alas, in came Voluminous Lad at that crucial -not luminous- point... It amazed Luminous Man to see the lad up so early... Then he remembered that the boy had not even GONE TO BED YET...!!! Time sure does fly by fast when one is 15 years-old, without a care in the world, x-box - will not travel, starts playing on the damn thing around midnight and does not let up until dawn... The creature now - yes, we are still talking about Voluminous Lad here - wanted breakfast... With special emphasis on the "fast"! Luminous Man was ever more impressed by such resolutions coming from this, after all and against all odds, fine young "man"...
"Fine initiative, Voluminous Lad! Fasting is good for the soul, the mind, the spirit... And it certainly will do wonders for that voluminous body of yours there! Combine the benefits of all four, and I do believe we will have to call you "Minus Lad" very soon - with all the weight that you will be losing in record time!" said Luminous Man, proudly and with a tear in his eye...
"Uh... Whatever, man!" responded Voluminous Lad with a smirk on his ungrateful chubby visage. "If I'm going to be called "Minus Lad"... Are you going to become "Diminutive Man" soon too? Like... I heard the not-so luminous lamentations emanating from the "luminous bedroom" there... And those were definitely NOT cries of ecstasy that I heard in there...!"
"That will be enough mixing the hellacious, pornographically-unrealistic worlds of your silly little videogaming habit, lad, with the harsh reality of thy hopeless quest to attain luminous manhood comparable to what stands before you!!! Thy mother and I have nothing to explain to you..." admonished Luminous Man immediately, burning with... Ah, luminous righteous anger! What else? He then added, only to himself... "Note to self: we should have enhanced the insonorisation of the room after all - the kid appears to be developing supra-hearing, along with acne... He may yet be one of them "ecch-factors" after all...!"
Just then, Voluptuous Woman finally came out of the bathroom, looking like a million bucks... And costing just about as much in healthcare and beauty products too, annually! It was coming out of her paycheck anyway, as she was constantly seeing electronic funds being transferred into her chequing account that originated from her number one fans, the kind old ladies from the Woman's League. They sure were a league of their own... Most men were out of their league there! No denying that they were in league with some higher power, those broads... Okay, enough with the league puns!
Luminous Man's eyes were ever more teary - not from any joy of seeing the woman he thought lost forever in the tub or upon the throne, mind you, but rather from the fumes emanating freely now from the aforementioned bathroom!
"Egad, Voluptuous Woman! Don't you know that those cans of hairspray are dangerous?!?" asked Luminous Man defiantly...!
"They may be - but I assure you that there is far greater danger to the world if a woman has her hair all messed up by the wind on her way to the supermarket...!" she enthused, just as defiantly and even an iota moreso...! "If such a tragedy was to occur, who knows how many might perish during the rampage that would follow?" she added, with not-so false bravado either!
"Aye... Too true." admitted Luminous Man, unable to admonish anymore at this point. "Especially if the dame is driving there... Alas!" he added, sadness in his sparkling luminous eyes. "It is your car though...!" he concluded, with resignation as to the fate of the world...
"Yes, it is!" confirmed Voluptuous Woman, falsely coyly.
"Onwards then, everyone! Onwards to the foul territory of mercantilism known as that evil Grocer's lair!" declared Luminous Man, after having sealed the bathroom door.
Voluminous Lad grumbled his discontent but sleepwalked to the car nonetheless, in record time.
In a matter of seconds -which says volumes about Voluptuous Woman's driving right there- the terrific trio was on the site of many crimes against health, economics, public hygiene, the environment and, of course, good old-fashioned common sense!
Scurrying the aisles, the three of them soon amassed enough goods to sustain three dozen third world families. And at a third of the cost there too. They were very much ashamed, but hey... A terrific trio's got to eat!
The grocer's tenebrous gaze never left the trio the whole time that they unloaded the merchandise upon the check-out counter. Finally, it came to a point when Luminous Man had to address the situation - mano-a-mano!
"What are you looking at... Fatso?" asked in a totally "unluminous" manner our no longer Luminous Man - for he had been possessed by the dark forces of... Consumerism!
"Hey - I'm not the only one who's fat around here! Have you taken a good look at the kid yet - huh?" retorted a royally pissed-off evil grocer!
"I'm not "fat" - you are! I'm just "calories-challenged" that's all!" snapped back Voluminous Lad, more than able to speak for himself, quite obviously! He even added "I'm still growing towards my apex - but you, grocer-man, you're way past your prime! You peeked - in the grotesquely obese category - yeeeeears ago and are now ever closer to going DOWN... Fatso Schmuckso style!"
Several hours later, as everyone was being escorted into the big basket by the constabulary force, someone from the press managed to ask our luminous trio how they had managed to create such havoc while merely running some very basic errands on a Saturday morning...!?
Luminous Man paused for a luminous second or two before spouting out that most luminous of explanations: "there really is nothing to it!"
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MORE OF THE LUMINOUS ADVENTURES OF LUMINOUS MAN, VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN AND VOLUMINOUS LAD!
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(For best results, read the following in a 1950s ominous announcer with deep dramatic-even-if-unnecessary-intonations style and with a hoarse, raspy voice...!)
In this second installment of this less-than-serious and, thus, less-than-luminous series, the temperamental sidekick with an attitude (that's Voluminous Lad) learns a lesson that he will not soon forget in a tale one could only title... "Never cry wolf - especially not when you're like unto ripe-for-the-feasting sheep - in the wolfpack's eye!"
One afternoon, right after his break for an umpteenth snack and a cartoon, Voluminous Lad had a brilliant idea, or so he thought...
Why not send both Luminous Man and Voluptuous Woman out on a whole lot of wild goose chases - that way, he could relax, take it easy, kick back and "hold the fort" while they would be gone... And no harm would really be done to anyone that way! These wouldn't be "real threats" - see? Wink-wink... Both the "old man" and the "old woman" needed the exercise anyway... Nothing could possibly go wrong with this ingenious plan - put together in all of twenty-five seconds... if even that! No, nothing at all... Rrrrrrrrrrright...
Voluminous Lad wasted little time putting his mischievous plan to work at once - for there were more cartoons to watch and no time to spare getting the two bores out of the house already, indeed! Hence, he dashed into the "luminous room" - the nevralgic center of... the Luminous House! Also known as "luminous headquarters" - of course!
So, he dashed in there -and it was quite a rarity when Voluminous Lad would run anywhere- and proclaimed to Luminous Man that "uhhhhh... aliens... aliens have invaded the Main Mall! They look mean and... vicious and... they're taking everyone as prisoners!" he blurted out, so convinced was he that he was being convincing...
"I see..." responded Luminous Man, very calmly. "It could be much worse, you know, Voluminous Lad, my young friend..." he added, just a tad sardonically... "For they could be making NO prisoners at all!" he capped off, dramatically!
"Uh... yeah... true... Aren't you, like... going to investigate?" asked Voluminous Lad, growing impatient with each squandered second...
"I... suppose that I should, shouldn't I?" snapped back Luminous Man, skeptical about the whole affair... As well he should be! Before leaving though, he turned around and asked "where did you hear about this again...?"
"The news channel - where else?" replied Voluminous Lad promptly, and so sure of himself...!
"Hmm... but you never watch the news channel, usually!" retorted Luminous Man, ever more skeptical about everything...
"Uh... there was a pause... for technical difficulties, you know... on my cartoon channel... I zapped and zapped... and then the remote ran out of battery power just when I was passing by that damn news channel I hate so much!" answered Voluminous Lad, after minimal time spent coming up with all that - on the spot!!! He was visibly proud of himself too when he added "and that's that!", as a cherry on top statement of a sort...!
"Right. FINE. I'll go check... but you AND Voluptuous Woman hold the fort while I'm gone... A true MAJOR CALL FOR HELP might come in while I'm checking this "alien craze" out..." mumbled Luminous Man angrily as he dashed past the door, not giving his less-than-trustworthy sidekick a chance to reply to that one...!
Voluminous Lad was distraught. For all his wonderful stuff he had ad libbed with ease, he was still stuck with a chaperone! Not for long however... All he had to do was whip up something real fast and he would be rid of her too!
Hence, he went on the computer, made up an "informer e-mail address" and sent a bogus alarm to himself, Voluptuous Woman - and even a BCC to Luminous Man for good measure! Something about a super-villain congress in the underworld sponsored by bilderberg and freemasonry... The kind of stuff that conspiracy theorists dream of!!!
When he got his own message in his inbox, he cried out loud to get Voluptuous Woman off her voluptuous derrière from the luminous boudoir so that she could check it out and, most importantly, do something about it!
And so it went exactly as planned - she dashed out the door, making him promise to "hold the fort" and tell Luminous Man about this latest "crisis" the moment he came back... Which was a mere five minutes later!
A disgruntled Luminous Man heard the "bad news" with an ever-widening raised eyebrow of skepticism... Still, the lady had gone out to investigate this, and so he had to follow suit too! Once more, he left mumbling orders and not awaiting for any words of discontent over these orders...
There would be none, of course - not this time anyhow! All had worked splendidly well! Voluminous Lad's next move was to call and order a pizza for his next few hours of stress-free enjoyment!
Alas, stress-free the next few hours would certainly NOT be!
For starters, the pizza delivery boy wasn't who he was supposed to be - as he came in dressed as a devil for he was allegedly delivering for "Devilish Pizza From Outer Space" - a pizza joint that even Voluminous Lad should have known only existed in comic-books!!! The delivery boy was really an old foe, a psycho with impaler delusions, who started chasing Voluminous Lad around with his fork! Voluminous Lad shut himself off from the intruder by seeking refuge in the Luminous Panic Room! What a fine room it was too - equipped with all the tools required to keep abreast of what was happening in the world... That was, if you were Luminous Man or Voluptuous Woman! Voluminous Lad lacked the passwords to activate anything of value! He could still, at least, turn on the TV... Alas, what he saw once that TV lit up was not good news at all... to him personally!
The psycho he had let into the Luminous House inadvertently had taken possession of all the dangerous gizmos he had found there, abandoned by the pipsqueak that was supposed to be "holding the fort"... And now, the psycho was using all of these weapons on the entire neighborhood! He had set ablaze many houses already... INCLUDING THE LUMINOUS HOUSE! Voluminous Lad was contemplating an apocalyptic scene - AND a death by either asphyxiation or incineration! And that wouldn't be the worst part... The worst part would be to have to deal with Luminous Man and Voluptuous Woman afterwards!!! They wouldn't let his charred corpse or his ghost off that easy, you know... When one is luminous, one knows that death is not the end! When one is voluptuous... Ah, one is tenacious too? That must be it, yes... But we're digressing here - now back to mock storytelling! ;)
And that was when Voluminous Lad got lucky actually! Firefighters somehow managed to subdue the psycho (he is quite meek to tell the truth - didn't I mention it? Hence his ridiculous schemes for "revenge"...) and put out all the fires he had lit up...
However, Voluminous Lad's hopes that he would get off scot free were dashed when it became apparent that he was stuck in the Luminous Panic Room... He had to be freed by the returning Crusading Couple - and had to listen to a long and painful lecture on what to do and, especially, what NEVER TO DO AGAIN IF HE VALUED LIFE! His own that is! And life in general, sure... It had to be squeezed in there, somewhere, after all this had been a Luminous Lecture! :)
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In this week's episode, our terrific trio faces the unspeakable dangers and unnameable atrocities of riveting plotting, misbegotten cutting and ignominious typecasting... at the movies! :)
Enjoy!
Or try to!
(Hey, at least it won't cost you ten bucks!)
Nightfall in the Luminous Household...
And all three heroes are bored out of their skull!
When Voluptuous Woman's true super power kicks in - the uncanny ability to summon and command all around her to spend their money left and right as if there were no tomorrow - she is the one who comes up with the luminous solution to their dire predicament with these prophetic words:
"Hey, boys - let's go out tonight! We could see a movie at the new multiplex, the GARGANTUOUS!"
Immediately, Voluminous Lad seconded that motion most enthusiastically - not so much as a faithful sidekick but truly as another one amongst millions and millions of mindless moviegoers! Faced with this sad state of affairs, even Luminous Man could not come up with arguments to deny the motion - and so, he agreed!
After a life-threatening ride in the Luminousmobile and an even more life-threatening quest for a parking spot, the terrific trio arrived at the Gargantuous, that most unholy ground of all... The loathsome place was already packed full of despicable brats and their adult equivalents... The choice of movies "now showing" was abysmal... The prices were absurdly exaggerated ("5.99 for 2 liters of soda?!?" lamented Luminous Man, before adding "I don't even want to drink two liters of that stuff! 19 ounces would be far too much already of that foul concoction...!" - to no avail though) and the stench in the air reeked of urban grime and all that jazz... Yes, without a shadow of a doubt indeed, they were at the "right" place at the wrongest of times all right... Indubitably! :-(
- "Why couldn't we have waited for all of this crap on celluloid to be released on crappy DVDs, tell me, Voluptuous Woman?!?" barked Luminous Man, decidedly crankier by the minute...
- "Hmm... Because, dear sweet Luminous Man, we are not out of thy Luminous Headquarters to see any movie really... We are just out of thy Luminous Headquarters... ah... TO BE OUT OF THY LUMINOUS HEADQUARTERS!!!" she replied, with bite.
- "Whoa - what got into you now, Voluptuous Woman?" inquired promptly Luminous Man, half-concernedly... "Could it be that this hinting at my person being too... ah... cooped up in the ol' H.Q. really, truly, verily came from the nefarious influence of this Gargantuous entity we find ourselves inside of at the present time... Hmm?!?"
- "Oh - please!" snapped back Voluptuous Woman immediately. "You are not going to do your modern-day Don Quixote now - you KNOW that Voluminous Lad is a very poor Sancho Panza...!" she commented further, very clearly with a sarcastic agenda...
-"Just be happy, my dear, that you are not the windmill!" retorted Luminous Man, fighting off sarcastic fire with sarcastic fire! After which he walked over to the very epicenter of the multiplex and called out the adversary he had surmised the malinger existence and influence of a mere moment prior...! "Gargantuous! If you are as GREAT as you think you are - you will reveal yourself now and face me!" said Luminous Man, half-jokingly, the other half trying to look the part of an improvised, self-appointed, spontaneous exorcist of sorts...!
To our hero's jaw-dropping surprise though, the entire multiplex seemed to growl its discontent then, in a loud guttural and ghastly sound that seemed to emanate from the very depths of Gehenna - lest it was just Tinseltown! Luminous Man, to his own luminous dismay, braced himself for the worst... It came in the shape of a section of the roof that creaked, dislodged itself and collapsed a mere few feet away from him! The raucous crowds dispersed quickly then, amidst cries and shrieks of "the Gargantuous is falling apart!" and "the roof... the roof... the roof is on fire!!!"
When all the smoke cleared though - the stench of cheap pop corn never did clear the air, alas - Luminous Man stood there waiting for more to happen - but nothing did! Engineers on the scene were only able to assess that some flaw of construction had occasionated this mere "incident" - no one had been crushed to death so, their architectural plans would not be blamed, oh no!
For a short while though, both Luminous Man and Voluptuous Woman had feared that someone might have gotten crushed, somehow - and that it might have been Voluminous Lad himself! But the amount of rubble there would have had to be at least ten times as huge a pile up in order to completely conceal the shape and form of our Lad...! No, in fact, V-Lad had just crapped his pants during the ordeal, disappeared into the restroom and then quickly made an u-turn past the concessionary stands for lots of freebies that he was seen consuming whole-heartedly while enjoying the movie that was being shown, in a now empty theater, not preoccupied with the "crisis" at hand one bit...
As another "not-so-luminous happy ending of sorts" approached, though, Luminous Man and Voluminous Woman thought not for a second of breaking into "reassured laughter" - the sort of which usually fades into the end credits and annoying framing music...
Instead, they thought of new novel ways to admonish and ground Voluminous Lad... Whip him up to shape (and, hopefully, into shape too...) and, maybe, one could hope against hope, make some kind of useful citizen out of him... One day, hopefully...!
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