It was a dark and stormy night... (sic)
Let us begin, therefore, with what I estimate one of the very best displays of penmanship that I ever put forth - without getting sidetracked in the least either! I dedicate this to my father,
João Jacinto Borges Pimentel.
The Foreshadow Canticle
Take me out of oblivion
life-giver, heart-maker
Give flesh to my soul
earth-shaker, fire-breaker
Make whole all of my spirits
sea-mover, breath-taker
A part of me all frailties
star-designer, sun-wrecker
So that they counterbalance my pride
Soul-taker, soul-maker
And that shall suffice amply
in taking me out of non-existence
So that I can shine as brightly
as You meant me to shine
from the very Beginning
from the Dawn of Time
Ravish me Greatness Incarnate
So I can shed this mortal coil
and the stench of death
in which I toil
Luciano A. Pimentel
Copyright ©2004 Luciano A. Pimentel
One has to put forth one's best, to launch any enterprise... And so, here it is! I admit that I will not always be this serious, this gloomy, this dramatic - but I had to initially post, here, my first ultra-serious bit of poetry -one might say, verily, outright glum bit of poetry; reflective of that gloom and doom of the times that we live in as of the inner turmoils of each and every artist or luminous soul there is or that ever was, out there - as the very first example of true luminous writing... Enjoy! Sempre Por O Melhor...Labels: Luminous
posted by Luminous (\ô/) Luciano™ at 7:00 AM
3 Comments:
Noted poet Aaron W. reviewed me thus...
"Your use of language is so beautiful and poignant-I really loved reading this. It strikes a sort of timelessness, modern and yet old at the same time.
Sentence Style and Flow -
earth-shaker, fire-breaker
I would capitalize "Earth." In texts you see it either way, but since it is a noun, I think it should be capitilized.
Soul-taker, soul-maker
And that shall suffice amply
I think this would flow better if you removed the "and."
So I can shed this mortal coil
and the stench of death
in which I toil
This rhyming scheme doesn't really fit with the flow of the rest of the poem-it kind of came out of left field for me.
It is believed to be found at the very core of our beings
that is, in those of us that are decent human beings
I would delete this part-I think it would flow better, without the awkwardness of a repeated word.
Then no offense shall be taken when it is said
that not all of us are equals in the spiritual as well.
It would flow better without this phrase, I think.
we risk much pain, much dejection
and not merely coming from rejection.
The rest of the rhyming in this poem in done very well, but these are so similar it flows a bit awkwardly.
Ending Comments
I hope my comments were helpful. You've really got a gift for beautiful words, and this peice has really impressed itself upon me."
~Aaron
Poetess Sara had this to say about it...
"I like this rather morbid poem a great deal. You show a great faith in A Power that is able to lift you out of what you see as now being your oblivion; you are asking for help to bring you into the light. Your last wish is to "shed this mortal coil/and the stench of death/in which I [you] toil." Those are strong words.
and a strong statement of where you thinking is now.
I hope that you continue writing, and I hope that you find the "Greatness Incarnate" which you seek.
Good poem!"
Noted poet Raskinner wrote:
"This poem is ABSOLUTELY AWESOME! The more I read what you have to offer, the more of a mystery it provides of your person. It sounds like something that I would've used to write. I write no poetry right now because I think I'm trying to search for a brighter voice, but haven't reached it yet. I LOVE the rhythm in this. It flows very nicely! It keeps me wondering what you will write next!
~Peace"
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